Now I’m getting older (I’ve just turned 50) I’ve started to like things like Radiators? I know it’s crazy but you might catch me occasionally looking at one and saying “WOW, look at that”.
Particularly exhibit A, this 21 panel radiator has just been installed in our hall. I stood there and looked at it after it was installed. One of reasons it WOWS me is because it’s so ridiculously heavy. I’d already purchased some smaller ones that were impossible for my wife & I to lift (& my wife is hard as nails).
This epic story starts when collecting Exhibit A in Exhibit C (my old van). Now I know this radiator is a beast and I know only a Forklift truck will lift it and get it in the van (getting it out is just details). So… because of my hatch-like back doors I manuver my van so the side door is level with the loading bay when I collect (1st BIG MISTAKE). Then I unfortunately get asked to move forward and I park in front of a massive cast iron bar which I Iater forget about.
So…. I get back in the van 15 minutes later and merryily drive forward into the cast iron bar smashing my bumper & wing (what a bonehead). This 1 simple error starts a chain of events that are crazy.
I’ve done 250,000 miles in my 7 year old van and as it was running so sweetly I wanted to keep it another year or at least give myself a medal for reaching 300K. But – the damage to the bumper & wing just made it unviable to repair (plus the MOT was 3 weeks away).
So I have to upgrade sooner than I’d liked. As explained above now I’m 50 I have been given the wisdom to notice nonsense (e.g. everything Debenhams sells is nonsense). So I want a van with no bling. A van with no alloys, gets better mpg & no back seats….. but it needs to be Black because I am The Black Balloon (like The Black Adder but a balloon). More on Black vans later.
For the record – Cast Iron Radiators are NOT nonsense.
Before we go on you need to know that I am flying to Portugal 1 week after I collect the van.
So eventually I find a van online and take exhibit B (my passport) to collect it for ID purposes. When I return home I throw my passport on my bed (2nd BIG MISTAKE).
Enter Exhibit D (Betty the dog). She creeps upstairs and chews my passport.
Surely not a problem, it just means an inconvenient trip to The Passport Office in Peterborough. We phone them on Monday and the earliest available appointment is 2pm Tuesday – happy days.
I pay £104 for the new passport and appointment and at 2.05pm my appointment is over & they DON’T give me a new passport. I’m told it will arrive a week Friday which is when my holiday ends (the Bank holiday weekend didn’t help).
So….. then unfolds a few stressful days of phoning the passport office and driving to sorting hubs but in the end I get told it will be delivered on the Saturday I’m travelling (unfortunately we were travelling at 7am).
Anyway….. I drop my wife & daughter at East Midland airport at 4.30am & to cut a very long story short my passport arrived at 8.35am, delivered to my house (I was at the Passport carrier sorting office in Tipton so it wasn’t in my hands until 9.30am when I got home). Lucky for me friends are staying at our house cat sitting so they signed for it.
Now I just need to book a flight and drop the dog at the kennels. Nothing is available from all airports except 1 seat on an easyJet from Luton at 1.35pm. It’s 10am, I live in Rugby and this is going to be tight. I go for it, pay the fee and jump though some hoops to print out the boarding pass.
Some friends of ours buy our old iPhones and they’d just agreed to have my wife’s 6s+. I know what it’s like when you’re upgrading a phone – you want it ASAP & they’re house is on the way to the airport.
I’m OO7 so I can find time to drop this phone in on the way. I chuck the dog, dog biscuits & my case (& my passport) in the van and off I go.
When I get to my mates house nobody is home. I am in a rush so I jump out of the van leaving Betty on the front passenger seat and the engine running. I don’t want to drop this big heavy phone though the letterbox as it will probably smash. So I open the side door of the van, get a stretchy strap, tie it to the phone, put it though the letterbox & gently drop the phone to the floor.
I return to the van, close the side door & knock over a plastic box full of dog biscuits. I get in the back & start trying to pick up the biscuits but it’s taking too long. I’ve got a flight to catch.
So…. I think I’ll shut the door and wedge the dog food up against the side door (3rd BIG MISTAKE). I slide the door closed and…. total darkness.
I am in the back of a Black Van with no light and complete darkness. My phone and dog are in the front and I’m in the back unable to see my hand in front of my face. Also I’ve not been in the back before so I don’t know how the doors work.
I fumble around and find a lever on the side door where the dog food is. I pull it and the door doesn’t open. At this point even my heart rate increased slightly (yep even though I’m OO7). Worst of all the engine is still running and this is going to ruin my average MPG score (yes that actually did cross my mind).
“The central locking must have kicked in”.
I head to the back doors like Spider-Man. My hands are all over it feeling from top to bottom but I can’t find a catch.
I go over to the other opposite side door, feel around, find the catch, pull it….. and the door opens.
My mate is on her drive and says “what’s going on?” Lucky for me she takes Betty to the kennels & I get to type this nonsense on the 1.35pm flight.
Things to note:
Note 1: If you say to somebody “I can’t go on holiday because the dog has chewed my passport” people tend to spit their beer out, stop themselves from laughing and say “I’m really sorry to hear that”.
Note 2: I’m not that bothered about holidays but if I lose my passport I really want to go.
Note 3: If you want to comment tweet me @balloon. I don’t do phone calls & I don’t do Facebook.
Note 4: This is not an April fools joke.